The Lies That Bind
by jhplug
Summary: "The best way to keep a secret is to pretend there isn't one." Kim Edwards, The Blind Assassin
1. Prologue

"_**Lies and secrets, Tessa, they are like a cancer in the soul. They eat away what is good and leave only destruction behind." **_Cassandra Clare, "Clockwork Prince."

_**Prologue**_

If he was honest with himself, the way Derek was feeling wasn't anything new. When she first joined the team a couple of years ago, he had felt something then. They had similar interests – he was pleasantly surprised to find out that she was a Kurt Vonnegut fan like he was – and for a not-so-fleeting moment, he thought that maybe they could be good together. His reputation had apparently preceded him though, because she, quite literally, called him out for being a dog fairly early on in their working relationship, as she watched him surrounded by busty blondes at a bar one Super Bowl Sunday. And, hell, they worked together. If he had acted on it and she had reciprocated, what would've happened if it hadn't ended up working out? That would have done a number on the dynamics of the highly functioning and cohesive team that Hotch had put together. And he wasn't about to give up a job that he had worked so hard to get and he was fairly certain that she wouldn't either. So he put it out of his mind. They meshed well at work but outside of work…they didn't really travel in the same circles…so nothing ever came of it. He continued his player ways and tried not to think much of Emily beyond the fact that she was his partner, his friend, someone who would always have his back in the field. But not someone that he would ever…could ever…pursue a romantic relationship with.

Until tonight. Or, really, until this week – their latest case to be more specific. Emily and Reid had traveled out to Colorado by themselves after a suspicious 911 call was made about a religious sect leader, Benjamin Cyrus, claiming that he was involved with under aged girls. Before they knew it, the situation had gotten so out of hand that the rest of the team found themselves outside of the compound, paralyzed with fear, listening as Emily was being tossed around like a rag doll by Cyrus himself, after being outed by the media as an FBI Agent. Derek had cringed when he heard Emily admit that she was the undercover Agent. And while he wanted to grab her by the shoulders and demand to know what the hell she was thinking, underneath he knew why she had done it. It was about protecting Reid. Derek couldn't fault her for that. But that didn't make the agony of listening to the beating Cyrus had unleashed upon her any easier to handle. He hadn't even been able to listen to the whole incident, tossing his headphones on to the table and walking out of the tent to catch his breath, wishing to God that it was him inside of that compound instead of Emily.

And that's why he found himself outside of her door tonight. They had gotten in earlier that day and Hotch had generously sent them all home, the events of the last several days having taken their toll. Reid and Emily had been given strict instructions not to return to work until the following Monday at the earliest, with Emily being told that she should seriously consider taking a few additional days to recover from the injuries she had sustained. Derek hesitantly knocked on her door, his arms full of supplies to help her convalesce, before twisting the doorknob, pleasantly surprised to find that it was unlocked. "Em?" He called as he walked in.

"Over here…" he heard as he moved further into the apartment. He spotted her form lying on the couch, the room dark, save for the glow coming from the muted television. "What are you doing here?"

Derek tried to maintain his stoic expression as she came into view. The flickering television illuminated her face just enough that he could see the black and blue bruises marring her otherwise porcelain skin. And he felt his chest tighten. "I brought reinforcements. If I know you, and I think that I do, I'm going to bet that your fridge is empty and you haven't eaten a thing since you've been home."

Emily sighed, wincing as she sat up. "You really didn't have to do that, Derek. I'm not really even hungry."

Derek flicked on the lamp that was on the table next to the couch. And that's when he saw her red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained face. He immediately sat everything down on the floor and went to kneel in front of her. "Hey…"

It was one word, said so softly she barely even heard it but she couldn't help the tears as they spilled down her face, startled by the concern in his eyes. Derek reached for her and pulled her to him, Emily resting her head on his shoulder as she cried. "I don't even know what's wrong with me," she sniffled, pulling away a couple of minutes later. "Why I'm so upset."

"Emily," Derek moved to sit next to her, wrapping his arm around her shoulders and pulling her towards him. "You just went through a horribly traumatic experience. It's okay to be upset."

Emily squeezed her eyes shut, the events of the past few days bleeding together with everything in her past that she wanted to run from. The fear she lived in for the past few days was nothing compared to the fear of living with an international terrorist for months on end, constantly fearing for her life, or worse – fearing that she had actually started to believe her lie, that she had been in too deep. The whole ordeal still haunted her to this day. And all she wanted to do was spill her guts to Derek…her partner…her friend. Here he was, bringing her dinner, literally being her shoulder to cry on, and all she could think about was the fact that she's been lying to him. She's been lying to everyone.

"Thank you." She finally said, wiping her eyes and looking up at him, about to admit that she wasn't as independent as she'd like everyone to believe. "I'm really glad you came. I don't think I want to be alone anymore." The fact of the matter was that as long as she kept her real life and her real past a secret from the people she's begun to think of as family, all she ever really would be was alone.

Derek sighed, running a hand softly over her hair as she sat up. "When you were in there…when Cyrus was doing God knows what…I wanted to kill him. I didn't care about anyone else at that moment. I just wanted to storm in there and get you the hell out of there."

"Derek…" Emily interrupted but Derek held up a hand to silence her. "No…just let me finish…Emily, when you first came here, I felt like we had some sort of connection. I tried to avoid it, I tried to pretend that you weren't my type, that there was nothing there but it's always been there. But, more importantly, over the past year and a half, I've come to respect the hell out of you, we've become friends and I really don't want to mess that up or ruin a good thing but … damn, Emily…when you were in there with him, all I could think about was that if something happened to you, I would never know what it was like to kiss you…to be with you…to tell you how I really felt about you."

Slowly, during his confession, Emily had reached out and grabbed his hand, bringing it up to her cheek. Derek gently caressed the black and blue bruise that marred her otherwise beautiful skin and she leaned into his touch. The gesture spurned him on, letting him know, without words, that his feelings were not totally one-sided. He pulled her towards him, their foreheads gently touching before he leaned in and captured her lips with his own. It was gentle…he wasn't privy to the full extent of her injuries and he didn't want to hurt her anymore than she already was. As they pulled apart, her eyes slowly opened, catching Derek looking at her, a slight smile on his face. "So does that mean you might feel the same way about me too?"

Emily smiled, shyly, nervous for admitting to him what she had barely admitted to herself. "It means that I may have thought about it before…once or twice. I'll admit that I was intrigued when you told me you were a Vonnegut fan. It may have made me realize that you weren't all brawn and no brains."

He feigned hurt. "No brains? I'm a world-class profiler, baby." Emily smiled, the first real smile he'd seen from her in days, and right then his heart melted. And he knew he had done the right thing in telling her how felt.

"With a world-class ego to go along with it," she laughed, sliding her hand into his and pulling his knuckles up to her lips, placing a gentle kiss on each of them. "So what does this mean?" Derek's eyebrows shot up and she instantly wanted to take the question back. "I mean…I guess it doesn't need to mean anything…I just…"

"Hey hey…Emily…" he silenced her rambling with a soft kiss to her lips. "Slow down."

"I'm sorry," Emily looked down sheepishly. "I've never been really good at this. And honestly, when you walked in that door tonight, this is the absolute last thing I expected to be happening. I just want to make sure that we're on the same page here."

"What page do you want to be on, Em?"

"You tell me." She leaned in to the hand that resumed its place on her cheek, praying that she was reading him right.

"Honestly?" She nodded. "I don't know. But what I do know is that I want to be with you. I want to try and make this work. In whatever capacity you'll have me."

She nodded wordlessly and leaned in for another kiss. She closed her eyes and seemingly blocked the rest of the world out. No secrets, no lies, no past lives…just the two of them.

_This is the begining of a multi-chapter story with the focus on Derek and Emily. At least the beginning, it will follow the basic storylines outlined in each of the episodes but it will probably totally fly off into AU territory at some point. At least that's the plan. The rating is currently a "T" but may change to "M" at some point. We'll see. _

_I would love feedback that you have - positive comments, questions and constructive criticism is always welcome. Enjoy!_


	2. Chapter One

**Thank you to all of you that read, reviewed, followed and favorited the first chapter. We have a bit of a time jump here and some spoilers for Season Five, Episode One "Nameless, Faceless." Enjoy!**

"_**Secrets press inside a person. They press the way water presses at a dam. The secrets and the water, they both want to get out." Frank Billingsley, "Chime" **_

"What's up buttercup?" Derek looked up from his desk and spotted Garcia making her way over to his desk. "What are you doing here so late?"

He nodded his head towards the file sitting in front of him. "Not much. Just finishing up some stuff on this last case. With Hotch out, someone's gotta get it done."

"Why so glum, chum?" Garcia asked, pulling up a chair and sitting down next to him.

"Not now, Babygirl," Derek responded, never taking his eyes off of the file on his desk. "I really have to get this done."

Penelope studied him carefully. She could tell that all was not right with her Chocolate Adonis. And why would it be? The team hadn't had a second to rest after solving the last case—a creep picking up prostitutes and runaways and transporting them over the Canadian border to do God only knows what with them—before they were called into the most recent one—a grief-stricken parent seeking revenge against the ER doctor who refused to try and save his son's life. Granted said ER doctor had a good reason to refuse, the child was already brain-dead when brought in. But Garcia couldn't help but sympathize with the broken man, even after he shot Reid in the leg. And then the whole thing with Hotch…how trying it was when she was on the phone with Morgan to not let it spill that something was wrong. Emily had warned her against it – the team needed to focus on the case at hand—but it still hurt to keep something from the rest of them, even if it was done for the right reasons.

"Derek," she began seriously. "You can't keep it in. I know today wasn't the easiest of days. But talk to me. Is it about Hotch?"

Derek sighed. He was sick of keeping things from her. His babygirl. His best friend. Confidant. He and Garcia never kept secrets from each other. He felt horrible about it every day. But this one was delicate. If anyone found out, he could seriously jeopardize this team. And his career. Her career….

"Come on, Derek," Garcia pleaded. "I can't help you if you don't talk to me. What's got you so blue?"

He took a deep breath. "I've been keeping something from you, Penelope. Something big. And I never wanted it to be a secret except there's not just me to think about. But today…after seeing what happened to Hotch…and Haley and Jack…I just don't know. I don't know if I can keep doing this job. I don't know how to keep her safe."

Garcia's eyes widened. Now THAT was not what she was expecting. "Keep who safe, sweetie? Have you been cheating on me?" That's what he loved about her. She could inject humor into any situation and give him a moment to breathe. This is why she was his best friend.

Derek nodded, slowly. "I have."

"Well what's her name? Do I know her? It's not Jordan Todd, is it? I always thought she had a thing for you."

Derek laughed, shaking his head. "No. It's not Jordan."

"Well, who then?" She prodded. "Seriously, do I know her? Will I like her?"

"You know her," He confirmed. "And I seriously hope you like her. Considering she's one of your best friends."

It took her a moment, not putting two and two together right away, before her eyes grew wide in realization. "I KNEW IT! Holy freaking shit…I always knew there was something between the two of you. I may be your babygirl but there's always been some crazy hot chemistry between the two of you."

"Shhh…" he warned, looking around to make sure the BAU was really as empty as it looked on that Monday night. "Seriously, Garcia, no one can know. If this gets out, one or both of us could get fired. And Strauss already has it out for Emily after she refused to throw Hotch under the bus last year."

"EMILY?!" She exclaimed, albeit in a stage whisper. "I thought you were talking about JJ. How long has this been going on?"

"Shut up. You knew I wasn't talking about JJ." Derek rolled his eyes, playfully nudging her. "And since we got back from that case in Colorado last year. With Benjamin Cyrus."

Her features softened, remembering the fear he and the others went through at the thought of Emily and Reid being in such danger. And how tortured he was…they all were…listening to Emily get beaten up by that asshole. She put her arm around him. "You and Emily are perfect for each other. And while I'm incredibly pissed at the two of you for not telling me about your love sooner, I can't help but be one hundred percent completely ecstatic for two of my best friends finding happiness with each other. But, seriously, why the sad face?"

Derek released his breath slowly. "Watching Haley and Jack get in that car this afternoon…my heart just broke for Hotch. And the whole time I was picturing Emily getting into that car. Foyet already knows who I am. He had my freaking credentials for christsakes. What if he realizes what she means to me? What if he goes after her too?"

Garcia grabbed Derek's face between her hands, turning him to look at her. "Derek Morgan, you listen to me. Nothing is going to happen to Emily. And nothing is going to happen to you. You risk your life for strangers every single day and I have one hundred percent faith that you would go to the ends of the earth if it meant protecting the ones that you love. You are my hero, Derek Morgan. And don't you forget that."

She laid in her bed, absentmindedly flipping channels with her remote but not really paying attention to what was on the screen in front of her. Checking her phone again, she sighed. She knew something was off. When she was getting ready to leave work today, he was nowhere to be found. And he had been distant ever since they had watched the U.S. Marshal assigned to protect Jack and Haley Hotchner put them in a car and drive away, no one knowing where they were being relocated. He hadn't called to let her know that he wasn't coming by tonight. He hadn't texted her goodnight, which he typically did on the rare nights that they didn't spend together. But they spent almost every night together that usually those texts were only reserved for case nights. Nights spent alone in a hotel room, the other asleep across the hall or next door. So close…but yet they couldn't risk getting caught and blowing their careers to hell. Or worse, putting such a strain on an already tenuous relationship…tenuous due to the massive secret that they kept from their friends…from the secrets they continued to keep from each other.

She had barely dozed off when, all of the sudden, she jumped up, hearing the front door to her apartment opening softly. Instinctively, her hand reached for the gun in the bedside table, before she took a second to think and realized it was just Derek, using the key she had given him months ago. _Would there ever be a time in her life where she didn't automatically assume that someone was after her?_ She glanced over at the clock: 12:38am. What the hell had he been doing so late?

Derek crept into her bedroom softly, not wanting to disturb her but desperately wanting to wrap his arms around her and pull her close. This had been a trying day for everyone. But he had already had one close-up encounter with Foyet. The serial killer knew who Derek Morgan was. Could easily find out where he lived. And then could realize who was close to him. Part of him wanted to go straight home by himself tonight. Not wanting to draw attention to his relationship with Emily. But the other part of him just wanted to crawl into bed with her and never leave. Serial killers and FBI regulations be damned.

"Hey," he heard her whisper. "Have you been at work this whole time?"

"Yeah," he answered, stripping down to his boxers and climbing in beside her. She instinctively rolled his way and allowed him to pull her close. "I'm sorry for waking you. I was working on some stuff for Hotch. I thought about just going home but I wanted to see you."

"Don't be sorry," she mumbled, burying her face in his neck and placing a light kiss on his neck. A simple greeting. Nothing more. "I must have just dozed off."

"Emily…" he whispered as her hand lightly skimmed over his rock hard abs to the other side of his body, pulling him towards her. He knew it was innocent, a way to pull him close. But the way her nails raked over his skin, and her lips grazed his neck, he couldn't pull away. He wanted to forget the day he had today, the past few days in fact, and he knew this was the way to do it. Turning his head towards her, he caught her lips with his own. Rolling her onto her back, he kissed her hungrily. She moaned softly as his hands explored her bare skin under the tank top she wore. His fingers caressed the taut skin of her belly before inching down to the waistband of the tiny shorts she wore. He nibbled on her bottom lip and her body arched towards his. His tongue slid into her mouth as his hands desperately yanked at what little clothing she had on.

But something wasn't right. As much as she wanted to give in and let Derek have his way with her, Emily knew that something was wrong. "Derek, stop." When he didn't pull away right away, she pushed at his chest, forcing him to break the kiss and look at her. "Seriously…what's going on?"

"I wanna make love to my girlfriend," he told her, looking away towards the wall. "What the hell is wrong with that?"

His tone startled her, and she pushed him off of her, sitting up, a look of disbelief on her face. "Don't snap at me like that! You come in here at half past midnight, hours after the rest of the team left the office, including said girlfriend, by the way. And rather than talk about anything you come in here and think that having sex is going to make everything go away."

Derek huffed, throwing the covers back and jumping out of bed. "I'm not in the mood for this."

"Stop it," Emily ordered, sitting up and turning the bedside lamp on. "All I asked is where you've been all night."

"At work!" He yelled. "Finishing reports for Hotch. In case you forgot, he's in the hospital recovering from multiple stab wounds."

"Don't you dare," She growled. "You know damn well I remember. I'm the one that found him! I know you, Derek. You came in here with something on your mind and you'd rather keep it a secret than talk to me about it. Where were you, Derek?" _When would they stop keeping things from each other?_

"Talking to Garcia," he answered, not missing the flicker of jealously across her face.

"Of course," Emily muttered, rolling her eyes and turning her head towards the window.

"Don't do that," Derek warned. "You knew full well when this started that Garcia is my friend. You've never been jealous before. Don't start now."

She whipped her head back towards him, an incredulous look on her face. "I am NOT jealous of Garcia, Derek. I know full well she's your friend and you confide in her. What I don't understand is _why_ you can confide in her but you can't tell ME anything!" _Hypocrite. Hypocrite. Hypocrite._

"Because it was about you!" Derek finally yelled, startling her.

Emily stared at him for a minute, wondering what had happened to them recently that any attempt at a serious conversation usually ended in a screaming match, and nothing was ever really resolved. "What did I do?"

Derek sighed, finally realizing that it wasn't her fault. None of this was her fault. "Nothing," He relented. "You didn't do anything. I'm just being paranoid. Garcia was there. I had to get it off my chest."

He sat down on the edge of the bed, on her side so she could reach out and lightly touch his back, deciding on a gentler approach. "Derek, I know you and Garcia are friends. And I have never, ever been jealous of that fact. I just want to know why you always go to her, but you never seem to want to talk to me."

"It's not you, Em." He hated that because he couldn't get his head on straight, he was effectively hurting her. "It's not that I can't talk to you. But every time I think about what Hotch is going through with his family, I can't help but wonder what the hell I'd do if that was you…If Foyet got to you."

Emily's gaze softened. "He's not going to get to me, Derek. Foyet has no idea we're together. No one does. And his vendetta is against Hotch. Not you. You just happened to be the unlucky one who was in the wrong place at the wrong time. As much as it hurts me to see you in pain, I'm glad he knocked you unconscious. If he hadn't, who knows what he would have done."

"_Morgan?" Hotch could be heard over the radio. "Morgan? Do you copy?"_

_There was no answer. And all at once her world felt like it came crashing down. She felt like she was suffocating…she couldn't breathe. But outwardly she remained calm. At least she thought she had. "Hey," Rossi placed his hand over hers. "I'm sure he's fine." Emily couldn't help but wonder if he could see right through her. They were all perceptive, but Rossi..more so than anyone. But how could he know? She and Derek were careful to keep their relationship out of the office. But just like Derek felt bad about keeping secrets from Garcia, Emily felt bad about keeping it from Rossi. She had confided him about one of the darkest things in her past, something she hadn't even told Derek and she felt bad that she continued to lie to the man that had been like a father to her. _

_He flipped the siren on and sped away from their location, towards where they knew Morgan had gone with the local detective to check out. Jumping out of the car when they arrived, Emily all but ran up to the front door of the house, ignoring the commotion around her. "Hey," Hotch greeted them at the top of the stairs, blocking her path to the inside of the house. "Morgan's inside getting cleaned up."_

_Emily felt like she couldn't speak. "Is he okay?" Rossi asked, sensing her hesitation._

_Hotch nodded. "Just some cuts and bruises. Nothing too serious. Foyet threw him through the window. He was knocked unconscious." He caught sight of Emily out of the corner of his eye and noticed she looked like she was going to pass out. It wasn't that out of the ordinary. They were all like family. Any one of them could act this way about another member of the family getting hurt and it wouldn't have bothered him. But Hotch felt like there was something more going on here, although it was not the time or the place to have that conversation. So he took pity on her and let her get past him…let her get inside and see for herself that Derek was okay. _

_They had gotten back to Quantico half an hour ago and Derek was currently sitting at his desk, finishing up some paperwork on the case and cursing the aching in his back. He glanced up, expecting Emily to be sitting at her desk across from him but she was nowhere to be found. _

_She had been virtually silent the whole way home, staring out the window pretty much the whole time. She barely said a word to him as they walked inside the building. He knew she was fighting with herself, grateful that he was okay but trying hard not to be pissed at him for getting himself hurt to begin with. Knowing this, he knew exactly where to find her._

"_Hey," he said, pushing the door to the stairwell open and seeing her sitting on the stairs, wiping her eyes quickly when she realized she had been discovered. "What's wrong, Em?" _

_Emily stood up quickly, trying to push past him to get to the door. "Nothing. I'm fine." _

_Derek grabbed her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at him. "You're not fine, Emily. You've barely said a word to me since we left Boston and you've been hiding since we got back." _

"_You scared the hell out of me, Derek," she whispered, staring into his deep brown eyes. Derek's heart broke at the sight of more tears welling up in her eyes. "When you didn't respond, I thought he had killed you. I thought you were dead." _

"_I'm right here, Emily. And I'm not going anywhere. I promise." She nodded, but didn't look convinced and suddenly Derek was scared. Scared that she couldn't live like this, couldn't live with the constant fear that one of them wasn't going to come home. "But Emily, you need to promise me something too. You need to promise me that you're not going to get spooked and run away." When she didn't say anything, he grabbed her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at him. "Promise me, Em…"_

"_I promise," She whispered, finally looking him in the eye. "I'm not going anywhere either." _

"I should probably warn you that Garcia knows about us." Derek admitted as they lay together in the dark of her bedroom.

Emily's eyes widened. "Wonderful. How did that happen?"

He looked down at her, her face illuminated by the moonlight that came in through the window, wondering how the hell he got so lucky but also wondering if it would last. If it could last. "I told her."

"Derek…"

"I know, I know." He held his hand up to stop the beginnings of her frantic rant. "But it's Garcia. She'd never betray our confidence, especially because she agrees that we're good together."

"If you say so," she replied, not sounding too convinced, her eyes beginning to droop.

He leaned down, kissing her shoulder. "I know so."

"Hmm.." he could tell he was losing her as her eyes fluttered shut and her breathing began to even out. Derek placed a light kiss on her forehead. "Love you, Em. Goodnight."

_**Let me know what you think! **_


	3. Chapter Two

_Thank you to all who read, followed and reviewed the last chapter. Too pressed for time to mention everyone by name but I really do appreciate everyone's feedback on the last chapter._

_There's no excuse for the delay on this chapter. But I do hope you all enjoy!_

"_**Lie until even you believe it. That is the real secret of lying." **_**Holly Black, "White Cat"**

"_It's good to see you again." _

"_It's really nice to see you too." _

"_Listen. I know that your job is a lot of responsibility and you're going to have to commit one hundred percent. And you should. But maybe when things calm down a little, you can buy me a drink? Fair?"_

"_Yeah. It's more than fair."_

_**Derek Morgan / Tamara Barnes "The Eyes Have It" **_

Penelope looked up from her computer as the door to her office opened. She smiled, seeing who entered. "What's up Pretty Lady?"

Emily smiled at the nickname. Garcia always had a knack for cheering her up with just a simple greeting. But the smile didn't reach her eyes and Penelope picked up on it instantly. "What's wrong, sweetie?"

Emily collapsed into a chair. "Not much. I'm just tired. I feel like we've been running on fumes lately and we're no closer to finding Foyet than we were a month ago."

Penelope patted her knee. "I know. But he's bound to make a mistake at some point. And we'll get him then. We always do." She regarded Emily carefully and could still tell that something was bothering her. Penelope had a sneaking suspicion she knew what was bugging her and she wanted to strangle Derek Morgan right about now. She knew there was something more going on than just an Agent helping out a victim's family. She would never begrudge Derek that part of his job. But Penelope could guess that this had gone too far. She knew he personally went to her apartment to tell her that her brother's case had been resolved. That two of the suspects were killed in a shootout with local cops and the last one was safely behind bars. But he had never done that before with any other victim's family member. None of them had. It wasn't protocol and in this case, Garcia thought that it seriously pushed the ethical envelope. But the worst part of it was, while he's traipsing around town, trying to make Tamara Barnes feel better, the love of his life is sitting at home alone, wondering where the hell her boyfriend was. "Something else is going on, Em. I can tell. You know you can talk to me, right?"

Emily shook her head, standing up and smoothing her pants down. "I know, Garcia. Thanks. But really…it's nothing. I was just wondering where Derek was."

"Are you sure? Is everything okay between the two of you?"

Emily shook her head, hoping to hold in the tears that were threatening to well up in her eyes. She didn't know what it was but she knew that something wasn't right between the two of them. He was definitely acting strange. She thought maybe she could chalk it up to Hotch putting Derek in charge of the team. He clearly wouldn't want to draw attention to the two of them but Emily felt like it was more than that. His behavior started before Hotch put him in charge. And she couldn't pinpoint why.

Derek glanced down at the necklace Tamara had given him. The cross that had been her late brother's. He tried to tell himself that he was comforting a friend, helping out a victim's family member get through the hearing of the suspect that had murdered their loved one. He closed his eyes, feeling guilt seize his heart. He knew that's not all this was. He stood at the entrance to the BAU, looking through the glass and spotting his girlfriend sitting there with JJ and Reid, her head tossed back in laughter. Would she understand? Of course not – because he knew what he was doing wasn't innocent. Showing up at Tamara's apartment was not innocent. Telling her he'd take her out for a drink at some point was not innocent. Not telling her that he was with someone else…that he was in love with someone else…was not innocent. But was he truly in love? He didn't know anymore. It seemed harder than it should be. Having to always watch their backs. To hide their relationship from everyone – the very people they consider family. And with the threat of Foyet looming, hell bent on hurting Hotch but probably willing to take out anyone who got in his way, including Emily, he felt like he couldn't protect anyone. Especially her. He heard the click click click of heels behind him and sighed. At least he didn't have to hide Emily from Garcia. That was at least somewhat of a relief.

With that thought in mind, he turned around, expecting a casual, flirty greeting from his Babygirl. Instead she looked like she wanted to rip his head off and he was momentarily taken aback. "What?"

"Where have you been?" Penelope growled. She glanced down at his hand. "And what is that in your hand?"

Derek shoved his hand in his pocket, hiding William's necklace from her. "It's nothing. Why are you looking at me like that?"

"You didn't answer my question," she glared at him. "I asked where you've been. In case you cared, Emily was looking for you. And she looked upset, Derek. What the hell is going on?"

"Nothing's going on," Derek sighed, glancing back through the glass at Emily, smiling at something Reid said. For a second she looked carefree, like a weight had been lifted off of her, until shifted her gaze over to the window and spotted him through the glass. Her smile fell as she gave him a questioning look, silently asking him where he'd been.

"Don't lie to me, Derek," Garcia admonished, grabbing his hand and pulling him back away from the doors. "Emily came in my office earlier, wondering if I knew where you were. I couldn't tell her because I really had no idea. But I did some digging and happened to realize a certain suspect in a certain case involving a certain woman's brother had a pre-trial hearing today. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

"Leave it alone, Penelope," Derek warned, attempting to pull away from her.

"Derek I'm worried about you." She tried a different tactic. Tried to appeal to the loving, caring boyfriend side of him. The side that had had feelings for Emily since she first walked into the conference room three years ago. "And about Emily. I'm worried about the both of you. I know you two love each other and I'm scared that you're pulling away from her. And for someone you just met." He went to protest but he held up a hand to silence him. "You went to that hearing today, Derek. And I'm betting that this isn't the first time you've seen her since we closed the case. Why are you jeopardizing what you have with Emily for some woman you barely even know?"

Derek couldn't answer that. And he wouldn't have to, because JJ called to him at that moment to tell him that Strauss wanted to meet with him before the team's briefing. But as he opened the door to the BAU, and caught site of Emily deep in conversation with Reid, he couldn't help but feel that he was letting her slip away.

Derek slammed his phone down on the desk in frustration. Strauss had been trying to get a hold of him the entire case, checking up on his every move, every lead (or lack thereof) that they had. Did she do this to Hotch during every case? If so, Derek had a new respect for the man. Because right now he wanted to strangle the woman, or punch the nearest wall he could find while imagining her face.

He just needed to vent. To talk through his frustrations with someone who wouldn't judge him. With someone who wasn't close to this situation. He pulled William's cross out of his pocket, letting the chain fall through his fingers. What was he doing? He loved Emily. But lately it didn't seem like enough. Lately it seemed like they really didn't know each other at all. And really, what had they been thinking? This was never going to work in the long run. He wanted to be able to tell the world how he felt about her. And with both of their careers at stake, and neither one of them ready to give that up, they couldn't go public with their relationship. Maybe that was his answer right there…if they really were one hundred percent in love, one hundred percent invested in each other and their relationship, then one or both of them should be ready to give up their job at the BAU. Maybe the fact that neither one of them were willing to put the other in front of a job should make it glaringly obvious that this really wasn't going to work. And that's why he felt like he was drawn towards Tamara. He wasn't in love with her, not by any means. She wasn't Emily. But the time he spent with her was easy. If he was with her, no one would care. Yeah she was a victim's sister but in the long run, that wasn't a big deal. That could easily be overcome. And she was nice enough – she liked him for him. She didn't expect anything from him that he couldn't give.

"What's that?" Derek was started by her voice and he quickly tried to shove the necklace back into his pocket. "Nothing."

Emily grabbed it, letting the chain slide between her fingers. "It's beautiful. But I thought you were still fighting with the Catholic Church. What's with the cross?" She flipped it over and saw the initials on the back. The initials that weren't even close to his. "Whose is this?"

He didn't answer and instead grabbed it from her and shoved it in his pocket. "I told you. It's nothing."

His tone startled her and she physically backed away. "Oh..okay…I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you, Derek. I know you're stressed out with taking over for Hotch and all but something else seems off. With us. Did I do something?"

Derek physically felt his heart constricting at that moment. "No," He whispered. "You didn't do anything." He stood up, walking around the desk, and pulled her into his arms. "I'm sorry, babe. I don't know what's wrong with me lately."

"Come on," Emily grabbed his hand, leading him towards the door. "Everyone else is already gone. You need to get some rest or you're going to be no good to anyone." Stopping at the door she turned to face him, hesitating slightly. "Derek, we're okay, right?"

"Yes," he all but whispered. "We're good."

They arrived back at the hotel late and were given the last two room keys that were reserved for them. There rooms were across from each other: Derek next to JJ and Emily next to Reid. She sighed inwardly – at least it wasn't Hotch. She and Derek always attempted to sleep alone on case nights but tonight she felt like she needed him. And it would be better to be next to Reid, who would be oblivious to anything around him, rather than Hotch, who would probably figure them out in a heartbeat if he heard doors opening and closing late at night.

They stopped at the doorway and turned to look at each other before entering their rooms. "Come over?" She asked, quietly.

Derek smiled. "Give me five minutes. I'll knock twice."

Emily grinned, sometimes loving the secrecy of their relationship. As hard as it could be at times, sometimes she loved the fact that it was just the two of them. Well…the two of them and Garcia. She loved it when everyone else was oblivious to the looks between the two of them, oblivious to their hands brushing as they walked by each other in the break room, oblivious to the two of them going on romantic weekend getaways at a small Bed and Breakfast in the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia. It was those times that she loved the secrecy. When it was just the two of them and they didn't need to worry about anyone seeing them or finding them out. When they could pretend that no one else existed.

She was startled out of her reverie by two soft taps on the door. She opened the door and quickly pulled him inside the room, quickly reaching for him and pressing her lips against his. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too," Derek whispered. Pressing his lips against hers once again, he pushed her back away from the door, stopping when the back of her knees hit the bed. Pulling away slightly, Derek brushed a lock of dark hair out of her eyes. "I love you, Em."

The serious look in his eyes startled her for a second, the way he said it was almost as if he was trying to convince himself of his love for her as much as he was trying to convince her. "I know you do. I love you too."

He kissed her again, sliding his tongue into her mouth and pressing his body against hers. Emily moaned slightly, loving how softly he was dragging his fingers up and down her arm. Derek tore his lips from hers and kissed a light path from the corner of her mouth, across her jawline, towards her earlobe.  
"Derek," Emily whispered, her head tossed back as he moved towards her neck, loving the feel of his lips on her skin. He pulled away, forcing her to look at him but didn't say anything in return. Staring into her eyes, he grabbed the hem of her shirt, pulling it over her head. "You're so beautiful Em," as his lips moved down her neck towards her chest. "How did I get so lucky?"

Her eyes fluttered shut, his ministrations making her forget everything else outside of the two of them. "You showed up at my apartment one night and confessed your undying love for me."

Derek smiled against her skin, knowing there was no place he'd rather be except here with her. They shed the rest of their clothes and collapsed on to the bed, a tangled mess of sheets and limbs. As he made love to her, Derek forgot about everything else…the case, Strauss, George Foyet, Tamara Barnes. Nothing existed tonight except for the two of them. Hours later, as their bodies came down from their respective highs and they drifted off to sleep, Derek glanced down at the woman in his arms. At that moment, he couldn't believe he would ever consider that not being with Emily would be better than being with her. At that moment, it felt like they were the only two people that existed.

_Would love to hear what you think!_


	4. Chapter Three

**Wow...I'm so sorry. I never meant for this much time to go by before updating but I lost some motivation and real life got in the way. But I'm back now and refocused on this story. I hope there are still some readers left! I have more written as well so there shouldn't be nearly as long of a wait between chapters. Again I apologize for the delay in between chapters. It won't happen again!**

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**_"With a secret like that, at some point the secret itself becomes irrelevant. The fact that you kept it does not." _Sara Gruen, _Water For__ Elephants_**

Derek sighed as his phone started vibrating again. Her number popped up on the screen. Again. He hit the side button to send it to voicemail, no doubt pissing her off even more. It was silent for a second and then began to vibrate again. "Jesus," Derek muttered, pounding the answer key. "Hello?"

"Derek?" He heard on the other line. "Where have you been? I've been trying to call you."

Derek squeezed his eyes shut, trying to block out the guilt that had been consuming him. "I'm sorry…I've been busy with work…And I…" He trailed off, not knowing what to say. In the back of his mind, he knew this had been a bad idea. But the whole situation had been an escape from his real life. From all of the shit that he dealt with every day.

"Derek?" He heard in his ear. "Are you there?"

"I'm here," He answered. "Tamara, I can't do this anymore."

He heard her breath hitch. "What? Derek…what's going on? You sound funny."

Derek released a breath slowly, finally realizing he needed to be perfectly honest with her. Honest with everyone. "Tamara, I haven't been honest with you."

"What do you mean you haven't been honest with me?" Tamara questioned, a twinge of anger in her voice. "What haven't you told me?"

Derek sighed, just wanting to hang up the phone. But he needed to get this out and put a stop to everything. He needed to focus on his job. Focus on his family. On Emily. Tamara was nothing more than a distraction. One he never should have gotten involved with in the first place.

"I'm involved with someone," he finally admitted, feeling like a weight had been lifted off of his chest.

"What are you talking about" She asked, quietly. "Involved…how?"

"Seriously involved," Derek corrected. "We've been together for about a year but I've known her for longer than that. And I love her."

Tamara scoffed. "Well it can't be that serious if you were choosing to be with me. Something obviously isn't right if you feel the need to look elsewhere, Derek."

"You're right," Derek sighed. But she wasn't right for the reasons she thought she was. Emily wasn't the problem. She never had been. He loved her. He was _in_ love with her. But the whole reason he'd gravitated towards Tamara in the first place was because she represented an escape from the pressures of the FBI and the BAU. He just wanted to shut down and escape the darkness sometimes. And because Emily worked with him, she was deeply involved in the very darkness that he looked for an escape from every day. But he should have known he couldn't escape her. And when it came down to it, he didn't want to. He was too in love with her to do so. It's why what he had been doing to her hurt him so badly. "But spending time with you has only made me realize how much I want to be with her. Spending time with you has kept me away from her which is something I thought that I needed but I'm realizing that I don't. I am in love with her, Tamara. I don't have those same feelings for you. I'm sorry if that's harsh but I just want to make sure we're clear."

"Who is it?" Tamara demanded. "Do I know her?"

"It's not important," Derek warned her. He didn't like where this was going. "You don't need to know her."

"Is it someone you work with? Someone on your team?" His silence confirmed her answer. "Oh wow…Derek…mixing business with pleasure. I should have known. Since that's basically what you did with me."

"Tamara…"

"No!" She cried. "I want to know who it is. Who it is that I so obviously can't measure up to. I hope it's not Penelope? Or the other little blond Barbie doll you work with?"

"JJ's practically married," Derek rolled his eyes. And like a sister to him. He would never…

"Like that would have stopped you," Tamara spat. "Is it the brunette?" Derek remained silent. He wasn't going to take the bait. But again, his silence all but confirmed it for her. "It's her, isn't it? That overly pretentious princess who thinks she's too good for the rest of us?"

He cringed, not liking his nickname for Emily being thrown back at him like that and especially not liking the way Tamara thought she had Emily pegged. "Tamara…that's enough. I'm not even going to dignify any of this with a response. I'm sorry if I hurt you but this is finished."

"Derek—" He slammed his phone shut, not wanting or needing to hear anymore. Tossing it down on the desk, he sighed. What was wrong with him? He had the best thing in front of him and yet he still strayed elsewhere. He contemplated telling her everything. But what good would that do? It's not like he had actually cheated. There was nothing physical about whatever it was that they had been doing. But he had confided in her. About everything…well, at least everything except his relationship with Emily. But while he didn't tell Tamara about Emily in so many words, he did allude to things that were weighing him down. The secrecy behind so much of his personal life being one of them. The stress of a job he took very seriously that weighed on him every day. Wanting the team to look up to him. To think he was an effective leader like Hotch was. Not wanting to fail his team, especially Emily. All of which brought new concerns to mind: How could he effectively lead a team when he was secretly involved with one of them? When he was sleeping with someone who was now his subordinate? The realization of this brought a whole new set of issues that he hadn't considered of when he confessed his feelings for her a year ago.

_One Week Later_:

Emily joined JJ and Penelope at their high top table at a bar in Georgetown after work on a Friday afternoon. It had been an incredibly stressful week: back-to-back-to-back cases, two of which were out of town; sixteen hour work days, and the threat of Foyet still looming over them. Not to mention how distant Derek continued to be. She was ready for a drink – make that several drinks—with her girlfriends.

"Hey…" Emily greeted, sitting down with the two blondes. "What are we drinking?"

JJ handed her a tall glass. "Pomegranate Martinis. Drink up!"

"Cheers!" Garcia joined in, clinking her glass with those of her girlfriends.

"Ugh…" Emily closed her eyes, savoring the sweet, fruity taste as it slid down her throat. "I needed this. I swear…sometimes it seems like these guys come out of the woodwork all at the same time."

"Welcome to the BAU," JJ laughed. "Crazies don't take a vacation. And…you never told me. Did that cop from Baltimore give you his number the other day? I could tell he was into you. He was hot, Em."

Garcia chuckled to herself. Here we go…another night of JJ trying to play matchmaker for Emily when Emily neither wanted, nor needed her to. Garcia did hate all of the secrecy but sometimes she laughed at how many times JJ tried to fix Emily up with someone they met while they were traveling. As if Emily needed to be reminded of the nut jobs they chased around by dating someone they met during one of their cases. Although dating Derek sort of fell into that category as well.

Emily smiled, refraining from rolling her eyes. "He did. But I'm not calling him, JJ. So don't even go there."

"Come on!" JJ tried to persuade. "He was hot. And he was definitely interested. "

"Yeah," Emily snorted. "Because that's who I want to date. Someone who's eyes migrated to my chest every time he looked at me for the entire time we were there."

"I did think Derek was going to punch him at one point," JJ admitted. Emily's eyes widened. Did she know? Emily snuck a glance at Garcia who looked as surprised as she did.

"What are you talking about?" Emily asked, nervously.

JJ rolled her eyes. "You know how Derek gets when someone looks at one of us the wrong way. Especially you, Em. If I didn't know any better, I would think someone was smitten."

Now it was Emily's turn to scoff, nervously shifting in her seat. "I doubt that, Jayje." She quickly shot a 'help me' look at Garcia, who shrugged discreetly.

"Oh come on, Em," JJ pushed, not noticing how uncomfortable Emily was getting nor realizing that she really had stumbled upon something. "Derek Morgan is always protective of the women in his life and you are no exception. But he pays extra attention to you, I've noticed. It's nothing new. He's been doing it since you joined the team. Am I right, Garcia?"

Garcia laughed at her friend's expense, loving at how uncomfortable Emily was getting. Maybe now the secret could be out. "I'd have to agree with you there, Jayje. My Chocolate Thunder clearly has a soft spot for my kick-ass friend, here."

"So not true," Emily defended herself before being interrupted by someone they didn't realize had been listening in on their conversation and silently fuming until she couldn't take it any longer.

"Agent Prentiss," they heard a voice speak up from behind Emily. "I think they're on to something."

Emily, JJ and Garcia quickly turned around, noticing a familiar face behind them. Garcia cringed…this was not going to be good. Derek had confided in her the week before and told her how he had ended…whatever it is was that was going on between he and their victim's sister. And how she had not taken it well. Tamara Barnes was most likely feeling like a woman scorned. And she was going to take Derek – and Emily – down with her it now seemed.

"Ms. Barnes?" JJ asked, confused. "How are you? What are you doing here?"

Tamara smirked, tossing a look at Emily. "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation. I feel like I might have some personal knowledge of the situation."

"Ms. Barnes," Garcia began, standing up and walking over to her, attempting to stop whatever it was that was about to happen. And Garcia didn't like the look on her face. She could tell this wasn't going to be good. "I don't think that's a good idea."

"What's she talking about?" JJ interrupted, holding a hand out to stop Garcia. She looked over to Emily, who shrugged in response, obviously unaware of the fact that she was about to have a starring role in Tamara Barnes rant.

"Nothing, JJ," Garcia, still attempting to put a stop to whatever was about to happen, threw a pleading look in JJ's direction, trying desperately to stop what was about to happen. Damn Derek…why was she now stuck with cleaning up his mess. "Why don't we go somewhere else. Come on…"

"Now Penelope," Tamara shook her head, standing up and joining the other two at the high top table. "You know it's not nothing. I know you're Derek's friend and surely he confided in you about his secret relationship with another one of your teammates."

"Relationship?" JJ scoffed. "I think you're mistaken here, Ms. Barnes. Derek's not involved with anyone. It's definitely not me and Penelope would never have kept that a secret. And it's definitely…not…" JJ trailed off, looking up at Emily who sat there quietly with a helpless look on her face. "Emily?"

Emily pleaded with her apologetically. "I'm so sorry, JJ. I wanted to tell you but Derek and I…we…we didn't want anything to happen to the team and…" she trailed off, not knowing what to make of the look on JJ's face.

"Garcia?" JJ asked, shooting a look at her eccentric friend. "Did you know? How long has this been going on?"

Garcia nodded slowly. "I knew. But I swear…I only just found out a couple of months ago. Derek was worried about all of this crap with Foyet…and he was having a bad night…He just needed someone to confide in." Tamara laughed, an evil sound that Garcia didn't like the tone of. She knew Tamara wasn't finished and tried to stop whatever it was that she was about to do. Garcia was certain that she didn't just come here to out Emily and Derek to JJ. This was going to go deeper than that. Tamara had a look in her eye and she wasn't going to leave until she left Emily and Derek's relationship in ruins.

"Someone to confide in, huh?" Tamara snorted. Emily's attention was drawn back to her. "Agent Prentiss, what does that mean for your relationship when the one who supposedly loves you didn't feel like he could confide in you at all?"

"What are you talking about?" Emily was confused. "What do you know about my relationship?" It seemed like this woman had it out for her and she didn't understand why. There's no way Derek could have…her train of thought was interrupted by what she really hoped wasn't actually true.

"You ever wondered what Derek was doing when he told you he was working late every night? When he disappeared for hours at a time during the day? He was with me, Agent Prentiss. Comforting me, confiding in me…"

Emily just stared at her wide-eyed, not knowing what to do or even what to believe. As much as she wanted to think that this woman was lying. That Derek would never cheat on her, she was right. Derek would disappear during the day and have a flimsy excuse as to what he was doing. He would constantly be working late and not show up at her apartment like he used to. "The necklace?"

"My brother William's," Tamara clarified with a smirk. "He was a victim in the DC home invasion case that you all worked on. Derek made it a point to tell me all of the details of the case, to show up at the hearing, drive me home, comfort me when I was upset. I gave him that necklace so he would have something to always keep him safe. It was a gift. He confided in me about the stresses of his job. How he needed an escape from everything…_everyone_…that had anything to do with the FBI. And I was that escape. I was the person e confided in when he felt like no one else understood him. He _knows_ that I'm that person."

"That's enough!" Garcia snapped, not liking the look on Emily's face. Emily Prentiss was not one to let tears fall in the presence of others, nor was she one to lose her cool no matter what the situation was. But Garcia could tell that Tamara had hit a nerve. She grabbed Emily's arm and pulled her away from the table, but not before turning back to put Tamara Barnes back in her place. "Listen Ms. Barnes, I'm sorry that you lost your brother. And that Derek told you he was no longer interested."

Tamara went to protest but Garcia held her hand up to stop her. "Yes, I know he told you that. He told you he was in love with someone else. And that person is Emily Prentiss. He may have been dealing with some things and thought that confiding in someone else would be easier but all you made him realize was how much he is in love with Emily. I know that because he TOLD me that right after he told you that he didn't want you in his life anymore." With that, Garcia pulled Emily out of the bar, JJ grabbing their purses and following closely behind.

They walked for several blocks, trying to clear the vicinity of the bar they were at in case Tamara followed them out, before JJ finally broke the silence. "I can't believe you and Derek…" she trailed off, not really even knowing how to characterize their relationship.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you," Emily apologized quietly, her voice slightly wavering. "But even we didn't really know what we were doing. We've been trying to figure this out the best we knew how."

"Stop," JJ held a hand up to stop Emily. "I honestly don't know what to think. I'm happy for you…really I am. But Emily, we're supposed to be friends here. How could you not tell me? Why did I have to hear it from some stranger?"

"JJ," Garcia rested a hand on JJ's arm, seemingly stopping her verbal onslaught. "I know you're hurt and you probably have a right to be but this isn't the issue right now." She turned to Emily, who had gone uncharacteristically quiet after apologizing to JJ, no doubt what Tamara had said finally sinking in.

"Please tell me she's lying," Emily pleaded quietly with Garcia, knowing that Penelope wasn't telling her everything.

"You need to go talk to Derek," Penelope said quietly, clasping Emily's hand in between her own. "And please…give him the benefit of the doubt, Emily. He loves you."

Emily nodded but didn't say anything further, fearing the tears she felt welling up in her eyes were going to spill down her cheeks at any moment. She turned around and walked away from JJ and Garcia towards the spot where her car was parked. She had one thing on her mind right now and that was getting to Derek. She needed him to deny what Tamara had said. To deny that any of this was true. But somehow she couldn't quite bring herself to believe that he would.

Emily stood on the front porch of Derek's house and knocked on his door quietly, nervously waiting for him to open it. She knew he was home but there was a part of her now…a part of her that questioned whether she still trusted him…that questioned what she was interrupting on the other wide of that door.

"Hey," Derek opened the door, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. "What are you doing here? I thought you were out with the girls tonight?"

"We were," Emily responded quietly. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," Derek stepped aside and let Emily in, closing it behind her and following her into the living room. "Hi," he smiled, leaning in to give her a kiss. She quickly turned her head and let him catch her cheek, rather than her lips, leaving him with a questioning look on his face at her odd behavior. "What's wrong, Em?"

"I need you to be honest with me, Derek." Her voice was low as she moved over to the window, staring outside at the night sky. She couldn't bring herself to look at him. Not yet. She needed to get this out because if she stopped to look at his face…to look into his eyes…she knew she would crumble. And she needed to be strong right now.

Derek tensed, not liking the direction this was taking. "What are you talking about, Emily? What's wrong?"

"When was the last time you had contact with Tamara Barnes?" She asked, finally turning around and looking at him.

"Tamara who?" Derek's voice wavered, a sure sign that he was lying. What the hell was he trying to do? Emily was trained in reading behavior. Did he really think she wouldn't figure this out?

She held her hand up to stop the step he took towards her. "DON'T lie to to me Derek! I saw her tonight. She was at the bar JJ, Garcia and I were at. Spouting some bullshit about the two of you being together. So tell me the truth, Derek. When was the last time you heard from her or saw her?"

"Last weekend," he answered quietly. "She kept calling me. I told her to stop. That it was over."

"That WHAT was over, Derek?!" Emily finally exploded. She wanted him to deny it, to tell her that none of it was true. But she could tell that there was something he wasn't telling her. That he tried to lie his way out of it. "What was going on with the two of you?"

"Nothing, Emily," He needed her to understand. Because it really was nothing. He was in a bad place but all it made him realize was how much he loved Emily. And he told her all of that. "I swear," he plead. "It was over before it started. I never touched her. I never wanted her. I just needed to talk to someone outside of the BAU. Outside of this family. Someone who didn't live the stresses we live. But I swear, Emily. I love you. That has never changed. I have never felt about anyone the way I feel about you." He looked at her with wide eyes, unable to say anything else.

"Just stop," she growled. He followed her as she marched up the stairs and down the hall to his bedroom, yanking open the top drawer of his bedside table. She snorted as she saw exactly what she knew would be there. Grabbing the necklace, she turned around and threw it at him. "THIS doesn't mean nothing, Derek. THIS means something, dammit! You lied to me about this. I point-blank asked you what this was and you lied. Well, guess what? I know what this is. She TOLD me, Derek. This was her brother's. She gave it to you during one of the many conversations the two of you had, when you comforted her for the loss of her brother and she listened while you confided all the stresses and problems you had in your life. Stresses that include me, apparently. She knew things that you were going through that you couldn't even tell ME about, Derek! And you want me to just be okay with that? To move on and pretend like none of this ever happened? Are you crazy? This..." She pointed between the two of them. "This is sooo over, Derek. I am done."

Emily spun around on her heel and ran back down the stairs towards the front door, Derek chasing her the whole way. "EMILY? EMILY STOP!" She stopped with her hand on the door, the tears that had been threatening to fall since she left the bar with JJ and Penelope finally spilling down her cheeks. But she didn't turn around. And she didn't say anything. Just listened.

"I'm sorry, Emily," Derek pleaded turning her around to face him and continuing even though she avoided his eyes. The tears falling down her face broke his heart. "Please. I'm so sorry. I should have told you what was going on. I know having secrets can kill a relationship but I didn't know how to tell you. I just wanted everything to be normal. And everything going on was weighing down on me and I should have told you. I was wrong, Em, and I'm so sorry. But I love you. I love you so much. Please…don't do this. Don't leave."

"I can't do this right now, Derek," She reached out and touched his cheek, feeling like a complete hypocrite but ultimately it wasn't just about him. She had plenty of skeletons of her own and she knew in her heart that their relationship could never survive the mountain of secrets that seemed to be between them. It was better just to cut their losses now. And soon enough, he would understand that. And he would move on. "I'm sorry…but this…this is over. It was never going to work anyway. We were crazy to think that it would."

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**Please let me know what you think (and don't kill me...there's still a long way to go). **


	5. Chapter Four

**So again with the delay. I want to thank all of you who have read, followed and reviewed this story. It really means a lot and I hope there are still at least a few of you out there. Real life has gotten in the way but I'm trying hard to work through this one. Hopefully it won't be another month until the next chapter is posted. As always please let me know what you think!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds or it's characters. Though if I did I would have made damn sure that Paget Brewster never left.**

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_**"I feel bare. I didn't realize I wore my secrets as armor until they were gone and now everyone sees me as I really am." **_**- Veronica Roth, "Insurgent"**

Emily stared, listening as the coffee percolated, bit by bit dripping into the empty coffee pot below. It was early. Eerily silent in the BAU. She hadn't been able to sleep, fitfully tossing and turning the night before and finally giving up, getting ready at an ungodly early hour and coming into work. She had beat everyone this morning, that a feat in and of itself. No one ever beat Hotch into the office and lately, Derek was even rivaling Hotch as the earliest in.

"Hey," she heard his voice from behind her and closed her eyes, not in the mood for a confrontation at such a ridiculously early hour on a Monday.

"Not now, Derek," she whispered, refusing to turn around. "I can't do this right now. I said everything I needed to say."

Derek sighed, his shoulders deflating. "So you're just going to throw away what we have? I don't even get a say in the matter?"

Emily turned around, not wanting to meet his eyes but also not wanting him to have a conversation with her back. They were adults. They needed to act like it. "I know you're sorry, Derek. But it's not even just about that. You had to know it was never going to work. We both have too much—_I _have too much baggage. A relationship would never work when we're keeping too much from each other."

He wanted to ask what she was keeping from him but they were interrupted. "Good morning!" Reid greeted cheerily, causing both of them to roll their eyes. Between their relationship that was in ruins, the early Monday morning hour, and the serial killer after Hotch's family, there was nothing good about that particular morning.

"Morning Reid," Emily greeted, the smile not quite reaching her eyes. She ducked out before Derek could stop her. "I'll see you guys in the briefing."

Derek sighed, watching her go. Maybe she was right. It wasn't going to work. But he couldn't help but wonder what she just meant. Besides Tamara, what other secrets were there? What was she keeping from him?

Two weeks later found all of them in Government-issue Suburbans on the way to a crime scene in Hampton Roads, Virginia… a serial killer on the loose killing families where the family patriarch was serving overseas. Emily sat in the passenger seat in the car Hotch was driving, something odd in and of itself, as she seldom wasn't at Derek's side while he drove, even prior to their secret relationship. The group had disembarked the jet after the short flight, making their ways to the SUV's awaiting them and Derek was both surprised and disappointed when Emily climbed in with Hotch almost immediately, leaving Rossi to join him. If looks could have killed, Emily would have been dead on the spot, the glares Derek had shot her way as he got into the driver's seat were that bad. Emily wasn't sure what he expected. It wasn't like they were going to be able to discuss any of their issues with Reid or JJ sitting in the backseat anyway.

It got even worse after Emily agreed to go with Hotch to Red Onion State Prison—the super-max facility where Karl Arnold, aka the Fox, was housed—operating on the theory that their current unsub was a fan based upon some intel that Garcia had uncovered regarding letters Arnold had received at the prison. Emily wasn't around for the actual Arnold case and Derek didn't want the woman he loved anywhere near that psycho. Or any of the others housed in that prison for that matter. Some of the worst of humanity were imprisoned there. And God knows he didn't want Emily anywhere in their vicinity. He wanted to clobber Hotch for even requesting taking her with him, even though he knew why Hotch was doing it. If Derek were acting impartial to the situation, he would have made the same suggestion. Emily was beautiful and confident and knew how to turn it on when she needed to do so: her presence would definitely throw Arnold off his game – so concerned he would be with her that hopefully he'd give them whatever they wanted.

All of that anger went right out the window hours later when Morgan's phone rang while they waited for Hotch and Emily at the air field and she frantically started to explain about Foyet; Hotch too pissed off to even form a coherent sentence.

"What's going on?" Rossi questioned, seeing the look on Morgan's face as Derek listened intently to what Emily was saying.

He shut his phone off, explaining as he dialed Garcia. "It's Foyet."

Rossi's eyes widened. "What's Foyet?"

"He's the one sending the notes to Arnold," Derek explained. "He knew Hotch would come to the prison to question Arnold. It's his way of taunting him. And Hotch and Prentiss walked right into it."

"Do you think he followed them?" JJ asked.

Derek's stomach clenched. Not that he wasn't worried about Hotch but he didn't want Emily anywhere near Hotch if they were being followed. "I have no idea," he choked out.

JJ's expression softened, now privy to how Derek and Emily felt about each other. "I'm sure they're fine. That's not Foyet's M.O. He wants to torture Hotch. Anything he could do to them while they're on their way back wouldn't fit that pattern."

"She's right," Rossi added. He may not be in the know like JJ was but Rossi profiled by nature. He couldn't help it. And he could see the fear on Derek's face and knew it had more to do with Emily than Hotch. "He's nowhere near that prison. My guess is he's holed up somewhere planning his next move."

"Hello?" Garcia yelled. She'd been trying to get their attention throughout the conversation. "Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on? I'm only getting bits and pieces over here."

Derek walked away from the group, explaining what was going on to Garcia while the rest waited rather impatiently for Hotch and Emily to return. JJ watched as Derek kicked at the dirt in front of him, frustrated and stressed out beyond belief. She could tell the entire time they worked on the case and he hadn't even had a chance to catch his breath after almost getting shot. This is why relationships between team members weren't a good idea, she surmised. She could tell thoughts of Emily had plagued him the entire time they worked on the case and add to that fact that they were at a loss for most of the day about who their unsub was. Even more, he almost took a bullet to the gut not even two hours ago and the threat of Foyet looming, JJ wasn't so sure that Derek wouldn't explode at any second. And while Emily, an expert at compartmentalization if there ever was one, seemed to be able to put her personal problems aside and not let anything outside of the job at hand affect her, Derek wore his emotions on his sleeve.

Several weeks later and there were still no additional leads on Foyet. After sending the notes to Karl Arnold it seemed like he had dropped off the face of the earth. Emily sat at her desk, flipping absent-mindedly through the file in front of her. "This is the ridiculous," she sighed, loudly, causing Reid to look up from his desk.

"What's ridiculous?" He questioned.

"We have no new leads," She explained, closing the file angrily and tossing it on top of the stack she had already gone through. "Eight months ago he comes out of the woodwork after Shaunnessey dies and throws Derek through a glass window…" She shuddered, remembering how absolutely terrified she was that day. When Derek hadn't responded on the radio, she felt like she was going to pass out until Hotch had come over with the update that he was okay. And even at that point, she still couldn't believe it until she saw it with her own eyes. "Then we don't hear anything for months and he shows up in Hotch's apartment. Instead of killing him, he stabs him and then drops him off at the hospital. Then nothing again. And now, three months later, all we have are a couple of fan letters to a psycho in a Virginia supermax and he falls off the face of the earth again. I mean…what's the pattern? What's his endgame?"

"Did you know that Los Angeles has a potential serial killer that they're calling the Grim Sleeper based on the alleged 14 year hiatus he took off from murdering between 1988 and 2002?" Emily refrained from rolling her eyes. He never just answered the question.

"Yes Dr. Reid," She smiled. "I've been in one or two of the BAU's briefings before. Ten, possibly eleven, murders in South Los Angeles linked together by DNA. Most of the victims have been women; mostly all of them strangled. What's your point?"

Reid shrugged. "Foyet named himself the Reaper. Now they're calling this guy the Grim Sleeper. I just thought that was interesting."

Emily nodded. "Thank you for that random bit of knowledge Reid. Have I mentioned how much I love working with you?"

Reid grinned. "Thanks Emily. I like working with you too."

She shook her head, chuckling softly, and stood up from her desk. Grabbing her coffee mug she walked towards the break room, in need of a mid-morning caffeine boost. As she approached she heard an unfamiliar female giggle. Rounding the corner she spotted Derek with his back towards her, an unfamiliar blonde's hand on his forearm. She froze, wanting to turn around and walk away but also intrigued, insanely jealous and needing to hear what they were talking about.

"So tonight then?" Blondie asked, dragging her index finger down his forearm. Emily wanted to march over and rip the tramp's arm off.

"Sure," She heard Derek respond. "I'll swing by your desk when I'm finished."

Blondie beamed. "Great! See you then!" With another flirtatious smile tossed his way, she turned on her heel and left the room through the other doorway. Emily started to turn around to walk away, pretending she didn't hear anything, and then thought better of it and began walking into the break room, not looking where she was going. And running smack into Derek's chest.

"Whoa sorry!" Derek, not having been paying attention either, reached his arm out to steady the person in front of him. Looking up, he found himself staring straight into Emily's dark eyes. "I'm sorry…I..I didn't see you."

"It's fine," She ground out, her heart pounding from being startled but also from the insane jealousy coursing through her veins. She knows it's mostly her fault they're in this position. If she could just have come clean with him about all of her dirty laundry then maybe they wouldn't be. Maybe they could be together…and happy. But no…that was easier said than done. As most of what she wanted to tell him was classified anyway…that presented a bit of a problem. And then there was the Tamara Barnes situation that, try as she might, Emily just couldn't seem to get past.

"How are you?" Derek asked, softly, wanting to reach out and touch her again. After he initially made sure she was steady, he backed away, reluctantly.

"Fine," she replied, shortly.

Derek looked at her. While things weren't exactly normal between them—normal being how they were before they had gotten together—they had at least been professional. Now she looked downright pissed and he wasn't sure why. "Are you sure? You seem a little tense."

"I said I was fine," Emily snapped, immediately regretting it when she saw the look on his face. She softened. "I'm just frustrated as hell at not being able to find Foyet. And I'm exhausted, Morgan. We all are."

He didn't miss the fact that she called him Morgan. And he didn't like it. Ever since they had admitted their feelings to each other, it was always Derek. This was the first time she had referred to him as Morgan in over a year, at least the first time she called him that when it was just the two of them. While at times they needed to keep it professional in front of the other members of their team who weren't aware of their relationship, whenever it was just the two of them, it was always Derek and Emily. It hurt. A lot.

"Guys!" JJ called to them, rounding the corner. "We think we found a way to track Foyet. Let's go!"

All thoughts of jealousy and longing left each of them as they followed JJ up to the round-table room where the typically had their case briefings. They listened, not thinking about anything else, as Garcia tracked Foyet to a radius between Southern Maryland and Northern Virginia—all areas surrounding DC. Foyet was here. And this was going to end now.

Hours later found Emily sitting in the backseat with JJ—Morgan at the wheel—as they listened to Foyet's final showdown. They listened as Hotch and Haley apologized to each other and Hotch made promises to keep Jack safe. The entire exchange was heartbreaking and Emily found she couldn't hold back her tears. None of them could. She watched Derek in the front seat after they heard the gun shot…how incredibly helpless he seemed. As if any of this was his fault. Being the temporary Unit Chief, he felt it was his duty to protect his team and their loved ones. And she knew he felt like he had failed.

It was late. They had just gotten back from Nashville and Emily was nursing a rather large glass of red wine. She needed it, especially after the last week. From Foyet, to the internal investigation surrounding the death of Haley Hotchner and Foyet himself, the funeral and then dealing with yet another serial killer—because of course psychos don't a break from killing, even in the wake of such a horrible tragedy—Emily was completely burned out. And she was sure she wasn't the only one but something about that last case got to her. Especially after what happened to Haley—and Hotch and Jack. But Emily identified closely with each of the women he killed—professional, successful, brunette. She felt like she was investigating her own murder every time they walked into a different crime scene.

She wasn't stupid—she knew everyone had noticed it, especially Derek. She was surprised he didn't pull her off of the killer himself when they finally apprehended him. Little did she know that Derek was fully enjoying the show. The sonofabitch had it coming but he was worried just the same.

Emily had never felt more alone than she did at this very moment. It was her own fault – she pushed everyone whoever got close to her away—Derek her most recent victim. She had blamed it mostly on him but in reality, she had been sabotaging it from day one. She had way too much dirty laundry and she was bound under oath not to reveal any of it. Her thoughts kept returning to Hotch and Haley – they had something special and this job ruined it. All Hotch had ever wanted to do was bring bad guys to justice and it, in turn, had destroyed his family, ending up with the murder of the woman he loved because he had to do the right thing. She felt like she was allowing the same thing to happen to her. To her relationship with the man she loved, sacrificing her own personal happiness for the job. As she sat there in her dark, silent apartment, she felt tears slip down her face—tears of despair. For Hotch. For Haley. For Jack. For Derek. For herself.

A minute later, her doorbell rang and she jumped about a mile in the air. It was late and someone coming by at this time of night was definitely unusual. Given all the skeletons in her closet, it might not be a good thing either. Wiping her eyes, she slowly made her way, wondering who was standing on the other side. Ever the cautious one, she peeked through the peephole, seeing Derek Morgan standing in her hallway, looking about as broken as she felt. She slowly undid the chain and pulled the door open.

"What are you doing here?" She asked, not unkindly, but she also didn't move to let him in.

Derek swallowed nervously. He wasn't blind. Or clueless. He could see her red eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. "I wanted to see you. I'm worried about you, Em."

Emily felt her heart constrict. Here he was, standing outside of her apartment late at night, trying to make sure she was alright when she knew he was dealing with his own shit. She knew he felt responsible—and guilty—for what had happened to Hotch's family. Even though he shouldn't—it was in no way his fault. But instead he was here, trying to make sure that she was alright. And she loved him a little more for that.

"Can I come in?" She was shaken out of her reverie by his question and she nodded, stepping aside to let him pass.

He followed her into the living room, seeing the wine glass and half-empty bottle on the coffee table, and taking note of the pitch dark apartment, the only light coming in from the big picture window overlooking the U.S. Capitol. It was a spectacular view – that much he couldn't deny—but the state she seemed to be in worried him.

Emily saw him take note of the wine bottle. "Want some?" She offered, not waiting for his answer while she walked in to get him a glass.

"Is this the only you've opened tonight?" Derek asked carefully. He was trying to assess just how far gone she might have been.

"Yes Dad," she mocked. "That is all I've had tonight. And I'm not driving anywhere. We don't have to work tomorrow. I think I'm allowed to indulge one night after the completely, shitty week we've all had. Is that okay with you?"

Normally he would have chuckled and tossed back some witty remark. But her tone wasn't joking. And he knew she felt as horrible as he did. But something else was off. He watched her at the end of the case, when she had held a gun to the suspect's face and while he knew the asshole deserved it after what he had done with these women, for a minute he was concerned that she might actually pull the trigger. "It's fine, Em. You know you don't owe me an explanation."

She handed him the glass and they sat down quietly on the couch. They were silent for a few minutes, both lost in their own thoughts, but wanting nothing more than to lean on each other and wish this horrible nightmare with Foyet never happened. Derek was the first to break the silence. "Are you really okay, Em? You had me worried when we got back today."

"I'm fine," Emily sighed, pushing the thoughts that had been tormenting her all day out of her mind. She sometimes couldn't take the concern she heard in his voice. She knew she wasn't being fair to him – she wanted so badly to tell him the truth. Just spill everything about her past. But besides the fact that it was classified, she was also ashamed of some of the things she had done in her past. What Derek didn't know was that when he had been seeing Tamara Barnes, he had actually provided Emily with the perfect excuse to end their relationship without her having to spill all of her dirty little secrets. Thoughts of her past had plagued her since the night he had shown up at her house over a year ago and confessed his feelings for her. And while at first she thought she could push them out of her mind and focus solely on her future with the man that she loved, she found that as time went on, she felt guiltier and guiltier for lying to him.

"Emily," he began, watching the turmoil swirl in her eyes. "You're not fine. I can tell. Talk to me."

And the dam broke. The tears she had been trying to desperately keep at bay came spilling out and down her cheeks. Derek sat his wine glass down and wrapped his arm around her, crushing her to his strong, muscular chest. Emily relished in the feeling of being in his arms again. It felt more like five years since she had felt his strong embrace, not just five weeks. "Shh…" he soothed. "I'm here, baby. Just talk to me."

But she still didn't say anything. She felt so safe and warm…she never wanted to move. But she was the one who had ended it. And this wasn't fair to him. Reluctantly pulling away, she wiped at her eyes, grimacing at how much of a mess she probably looked. "It's okay. I'm sorry. I'm okay. It's just…this whole week…the last couple of months really…it's just all been a little too much. I feel like I haven't been able to stop and catch my breath."

"Emily," Derek studied her face but hadn't let go of her hands. He squeezed them tight and brought one up to his lips, placing a soft kiss on her knuckles. "You have nothing to apologize for. We've all been through something terrible over the last week. With everything that has gone on over the last few months, you have every right to break down."

She pulled away because if she hadn't right then, she wouldn't have been able to at all. "It's not okay, Derek." And just like that, the tears were gone. A switch had been flipped. And she was no crying on his shoulder. She was pacing her living room like a caged animal. "This isn't about me! Or you! This is about Hotch and Jack and the horrible events that THEY just went through. And we didn't do a damn thing to stop it! We walked Foyet right into Haley and Jack's lives. I mean…what is the point of all of this if shit like this happens to the people we love?! It's not worth it…to have something like they could have had."

"You don't mean that, Em," Derek retorted from his spot on the couch. "You think it's worth it to live your life in solitude? With no one close to you to share anything with?"

The tears kept coming and Emily felt powerless to stop them. And to stop the tirade she was currnelty on. "How is it different than what I'm doing now? I'm not close to my mom, I haven't seen my father in years, and I've successfully pushed the only person who gave a rat's ass about me in years away."

Derek rolled his eyes. "So stop pushing me away, Em. I'm RIGHT here." He pounded on his chest, as if the gesture would suddenly make her realize just how much she was throwing away. "I love you. You know that. But it's not just me, Emily. You have a ton of people who care about you."

She stared at him, her chest rising and falling quickly, and realized just how completely selfish she sounded. "I'm sorry," she whispered, sitting back down on the couch. "I just made this about me and it's not about me. It's about Hotch. And sitting here wallowing in self pity isn't going to change what's happened."

Derek felt guilty because that's exactly what he had been doing himself. At least until he got to her house and she had exploded on him. "You're right. All I've been able to think about is how I could have stopped it. I'm the one who's supposed to be looking out for this team. And I failed, Emily. I feel like I should have been able to save her."

"What happened to Haley isn't your fault, Derek," she said, softly, reaching her hand out and grabbing his, her thumb rubbing over his softly. "Hotch was faced with an impossible choice and he did the only thing he could do. He went after him. If he hadn't, most likely a lot more people would have died. What happened to Haley is horrible and it kills me to think about that little boy growing up without his mother. But none of that will ever be your fault. You were thrown into this job—taking over for Hotch—and you did the best that you could. We all did."

Derek looked over at her, her eyes shining in the faint moonlight with unshed tears. And he couldn't stop himself from what he did next. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss to her lips. Emily froze and Derek momentarily was terrified she was going to push him away. But barely a beat later, he felt the tension leave her and she opened up to him, parting her lips and letting him slide his tongue in to caress her own.

Emily moaned slightly and it spurred Derek on, relishing in the feel of being close to her like this again after five long weeks. He reached around her neck and pulled her closer to him, his other hand sliding softly up the outside of her thigh to rest against the side of ribcage. The feel of his hand lightly caressing her up and down caused a rush of heat straight to her core and the only thing she could think about was how badly she missed this. She groaned slightly and Derek grabbed her a little more forcefully, pulling her so she was now straddling his lap. She could feel his arousal pressing against her center and it brought her crashing back to reality. "Derek…"

Derek felt her pulling away, both physically and emotionally, and he was desperate to stop it. If this was the only night...the last night…that he ever got to spend with her, he didn't want it to end like this. "No Emily," he leaned in and gave her a soft kiss on her lips, encouraged when she didn't pull back further. "Please…don't pull away. I need you, Em."

He leaned in and kissed her again and felt encourage when she emitted a soft moan. "This doesn't change anything," she whispered before sliding her tongue into his mouth. "Please Derek, I need you to understand that."

Defeated, his shoulders slumped but he found himself nodding slowly, agreeing with her. "I know, Emily. But now…tonight…I need you. And I know you need me too."

"I do," she whispered. "But just tonight, Derek. Only tonight." She pulled back and stared into his eyes, needing him to agree with her before she would go any further. She knew this was wrong. This was SO wrong on so many levels. But she felt powerless to stop her body from responding to his. To enjoy the feeling of his hands running all over her body. His tongue massaging hers as he held her tight against himself.

He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist, allowing him to carry her to her bedroom. He laid her down on her bed, her dark hair fanning out around her face like a halo, her lips swollen from his kisses and her face red from crying. But in that moment he never thought she looked more beautiful. And as he made love to her, it was as if nothing had changed. Their bodies completely in tune to one another, as if they hadn't been apart for these last weeks, miserable and alone. They were completely in sync, if just for this one night. But Derek pushed that thought out of his mind because if this was the only night he got, then he was going to savor every moment of it. The what-ifs and what could have beens left until tomorrow. Tonight it was just about them.

**As always, please let me know what you think! Reviews make me smile.**


	6. Chapter Five

**What can I say? Real life - husband, kids, work - has gotten in the way. I apologize for the delay on this. Thank you to all who have reviewed, favorited, and followed the story and the last chapter! I really appreciate it and hope there are still some interested in this. Would love to hear what you think of this latest chapter. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own _Criminal Minds_ or any of the characters on the show. **

**Spoilers: None specifically in this chapter but this takes place during Season Five.**

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**"There are two kinds of secrets. The ones we keep from others and the ones we keep from ourselves." - _Frank Warren_**

Emily sighed contentedly as she rolled off of him, collapsing on to her side of the bed. She closed her eyes in satisfaction, a small smile gracing her features.

"What are you thinking about?" Derek asked, rolling on to his side and propping his head up on his elbow as one finger traced lightly down her arm.

"Nothing in particular," she replied, glancing over at him briefly before allowing her eyes to drop to his muscular chest. Seriously…it should be criminal to look that good without a shirt on. "Just wondering what happened between the time we left work and now, causing us to end up here." She waved a hand in between them, indicating their obvious state of undress.

Derek cringed. This was the awkward part of their arrangement. He didn't want to tell her what he had been doing. Not because she'd be jealous. In fact, it frustrated him to no end that she didn't appear to be jealous whenever he told her where he was before he'd text her to come over, Emily showing up at his doorstep, and the two of them inevitably ending up in this very position time and time again.

Emily noticed his hesitation and, while inwardly she wanted to claw the eyes out of whomever he had dinner with tonight, on the outside she was the epitome of calm, cool and collected. "Derek, it's fine. You can tell me that you had a date. We agreed not to let it bother either one of us." No strings. That was the arrangement. And it was working for them. Or so they thought. In fact, Emily would never admit that her insides burned with insane jealously every time Derek told her he had a date. Every time she pictured him at dinner with another woman, his hand on her lower back as he guided her to and from the car, his lips on her cheek as he kissed her goodnight.

"_Are _you jealous?" He asked, his eyes boring into hers. All he wanted was for her to say yes. To end this stupid arrangement that they had. It's one thing for them to be keeping it casual when they didn't actually have feelings for one another and hadn't already been in a relationship. It was quite another to go backwards—to openly admit to each other how they felt about one another, to commit to each other for over a year, have it all come crashing down in one devastating heap and then assuming that a casual fling would actually work better. To end up in bed together in one desperate moment of weakness. And then to have it lead to this – a supposed casual fling. Dozens of moments of weakness.

Right after Haley died…after that horrible case in Nashville…that was the first time. But it was by far the last. They found excuses to see each other outside of work and they would inevitably end up in the same position. And afterwards they would both seem to regret it…or so the other thought…each rushing to say how it was a mistake and that they needed to have more willpower. Although they would have had to be superhuman to resist the pull of temptation.

_Emily limped towards the door, her arm around her middle, seemingly holding her cracked ribs in place. Her head pounded, her wrist hurt…hell…her whole body hurt. Not surprising after rolling down the hill in the inside of car. "Hey," She greeted Derek who was waiting in the hallway. She shouldn't have been surprised. After the way he had been acting since he found her on the side of a road in upstate New York, semi delirious from a concussion, due to the car they were being struck by a truck while transporting a prisoner. _

"_Hey," Derek replied softly. "How are you feeling?" _

_Emily shrugged, turning around and motioning for him to follow him into the living room. "I already told you…like I got hit by a truck."_

_Derek held her elbow, helping her to ease herself down back on to the couch where she must have been before he got there. He felt bad now…his coming over forcing her to maneuver her battered body over to the door to greet him. "I'm so sorry. I don't know why I let you go with Bunting. I should have been the one to transport Shrader. You should've gone with Jenny." _

"_Let me go?" Emily's raised her eyebrow. "You didn't 'let me' do anything, Morgan. I chose to go with Bunting. And Jenny felt safe with you. This is _not _your fault." _

_He bristled at her use of his last name. He was starting to despise the way she called him 'Morgan' more and more lately. Almost as if it was serving to create an even further distance between the two of them. "That doesn't make dealing with what happened any easier, Em. I feel like we've been here before. Me checking up on you after you've taken another beating during a case. This needs to stop." _

"_Tell me about it." Emily rolled her eyes. It's not like she liked ending up in these situations. "I guess we have been in this situation a time or two before." _

_They were both quiet for a minute. Both quietly reflecting on the past few weeks, when Derek actually took a look at his surroundings, taking in the half-drank glass of wine, the almost-empty bottle of Pinot Noir, the small prescription bottle of painkillers…all three items sitting on the coffee table in front of him. He glanced over at Emily, noticing the slight glaze in her eyes, the flush in her cheeks. He understood her need to numb herself from the pain, but it didn't make his worry any less. "Emily…" _

_She knew exactly what he was going to say. "Don't say it, Morgan. You can either sit here quietly and not judge me. Or you can go. I'm not in the mood for a lecture on not mixing booze and pills. My whole body hurts and I just want my brain to shut off for just a few hours. You can either come along for the ride or you can go home." She reached for the bottle but Derek was faster. He grabbed it, holding it out of reach. "I'm not going to let you do this, Em." _

_Emily rolled her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to keep her anger in check. "This is MY house, Derek. How dare you come in here and try to dictate—" _

"_I'm not trying to dictate anything, Emily," he stared her down. "I'm trying to help you. Do you really want a red wine hangover on top of a concussion and some broken ribs? Take the painkillers – that's fine—but don't mix it with the wine. You're going to hate yourself in the morning." _

_The brunette seemed to deflate at that. How could she be mad? All he was doing was looking out for her. But it made her angry. She wished he wouldn't care about her so much. He deserved so much better than her. She was nothing but a liar…a fraud. He deserved someone who could be honest with him. Someone who could give her whole self—mind, body and soul—to him. Because Derek Morgan deserved nothing less than someone like that. Someone Emily clearly wasn't. "Stop worrying about me, Derek," she whispered. "I don't deserve it." _

_Derek ran a hand over his smooth head, frustrated with her stubborn attitude. Why couldn't she just see how much he cared about her? How much he loved her? But he wasn't going to fight with her tonight. That's not why he went over there. He went to reach for her…to pull her closer…when she winced in pain. "How much pain are you in, Emily?" _

_Emily released a long breath she had been holding in as she tried to breathe through the pain in her ribs. The throbbing pain in her head was consistent, her skin burning from where the seatbelt cut into her. All she wanted to do was numb that pain. "It hurts," she whispered. "I just want it to stop." _

"_Come here," Derek stood up and reached for her hand. He gingerly pulled her to her feet and led her around the couch to the staircase up to the 2__nd__ floor. _

"_Where are we going?" Emily's eyes narrowed. Derek upstairs in her bedroom couldn't lead to anything good. He pulled her into the master bedroom and had her sit down on the bed while he walked into her bathroom. She heard the water turn on and cabinets opening and closing. Finally he appeared back in front of her, reaching for her hand. He led her into the bathroom which was bathed in soft candlelight. "Derek…you didn't have to do this." _

"_I know," he told her simply. "I wanted to, Em. You need to relax and heal. And hopefully this will help." He turned to leave but she grabbed his hand. "No!" Derek turned back to look at her in surprise. "Don't go." _

"_Emily…" he started, wanting nothing more to stay in that bathroom with her. To make her feel better. But this wasn't right. She was hurting. In more ways than one. _

"_Please," Emily whispered. "Don't go." _

_He stood behind her while they both faced the mirror, his hands resting on her shoulders. His eyes caught hers in the mirror and they just stared at each other for a minute, neither saying a word. The only noise in the bathroom the sound of the faucet filling up the bath tub with warm, soapy water. The air charged with the tension between them. Her hands reached up and slid over top of his that were resting on her shoulders. Their eyes didn't leave each other's in the mirror as Emily moved both of their hands down to the top button of her blouse. Derek took the hint and unbuttoned the blouse, reaching around from behind and undoing one button at a time. When he was finished, Emily's hands fell to her sides as he slid his hands lightly up her sides back up to the collar of her shirt and carefully…slowly…slid it off her shoulders. _

_As the garment fell down to the floor, Derek leaned down, placing light kisses on her pale skin, his lips lightly dancing across her shoulders to the back of her neck. Her head fell back on to his shoulder, eyes closed, enjoying the feel of his soft lips on her neck. Derek turned her around slowly…carefully…and her lips met his, almost desperately. Emily groaned, sliding her tongue in his mouth, all the while her head screaming at her that this was wrong. She couldn't keep doing this…leading him on like she was. He didn't deserve it. And she didn't deserve him. _

_He grabbed her arms, pulling her battered body closer to him…that is, if they could get any closer. She winced as his shirt brushed up against the seatbelt burn across her chest. He noticed her expression of pain and pulled away, frowning at the dark red mark across her chest. "Does it hurt?" He whispered. Emily nodded, trying not to let the threatening tears fall. "I'm sorry…" He started to pull away but she reached up with both hands, grabbing his face and crushing her lips to his again. Yes, she was nothing but a liar. And a fraud. But she needed this. She needed him. _

"Of course not," Emily scoffed, breaking eye contact with him and sitting up as she searched for her underwear on the floor of his bedroom. Another lie. It's what they did best. "This works better for us, Derek. You know that."

"Yeah," he sighed, more to himself than anything, watching as she pulled her shirt over her head, getting ready to leave as she always did lately—never staying longer than she had to. It didn't work better. He didn't want to be out with other women. He felt actual rage when he pictured Emily out with other men. But he couldn't tell her that. He'd take her however he could get her. And if this was all he could have then so be it. He was okay with it.

Who the hell was he kidding? He was absolutely not okay with it. He missed her terribly and the jealousy was making him crazy. But what could he do? He could be honest with her and lose everything. Or he could keep quiet and continue to be with her but not really be with her. It was a lose-lose situation no matter which way you sliced it.

Secrets and lies.

* * *

**_One Month Later_**

"Good morning," Emily greeted, smiling as Derek walked into the break room. She glanced around to make sure that no one else was around. "What happened to you last night? I thought you might stop by."

"Um…I…uh…" Derek stuttered, not quite knowing how to respond. This was new territory for him. For them. And he wasn't exactly sure how to tell her.

"Spit it out, Derek," Emily chuckled. "What has you all tongue-tied? I thought you had…." She trailed off, suddenly realizing why he was acting funny. He had a date. And unlike those that he had before this…the ones that usually ended up with empty promises of calling the next day and Derek showing up on Emily's doorstep or Emily on his doorstep…this one must have actually gone well. He must have actually liked her.

Derek knew at some point something like this was going to happen. This was why what they were doing was such a bad idea. He met Kristin at a coffee shop in Georgetown the previous Saturday morning. Coincidentally, he had been on his way home from Emily's apartment. She had asked him out and he agreed, figuring he'd treat her to a nice meal and then end up at Emily's before the night was over. But the opposite happened. Instead, he had a great time…and for once he wasn't checking his watch every five minutes, wondering how much longer he had to pretend to be interested in his date before he could rush over to Emily's apartment. "I'm sorry…I…"

She plastered a fake smile on her face, seeming to laugh off his apology. "Why are you apologizing, Derek? You're free to date whomever you want. I'm glad you had a good time." And with that, she quickly spun on her heel, rushing back to her desk so he couldn't see the tears building up in her eyes and threatening to spill down her cheeks. What the hell had they been thinking? It was such an obviously bad idea from the beginning…someone was bound to get hurt.

"So Em," JJ placed three frosted mugs on the table in the crowded bar. A favorite happy hour spot for DC law enforcement. JJ passed both Garcia and Emily a beer, sipping her own glass gingerly so as not to spill anything down the front of her. "What's going on? You've been unusually quiet today."

Emily shrugged, not wanting to get into it with her friends. While JJ and Penelope both knew about Emily and Derek's previous relationship, the most recent arrangement was still a secret. "Nothing in particular. Just sick of paperwork. Is it weird that I want the crazies to come out just so we have something more exciting than consults and case files to go through all day?"

JJ laughed. "Absolutely not. And you're not the only one. I was about to strangle Reid today. I swear, sometimes it's easier to get Henry to sit still than it is Reid. He's like a little kid."

"What do you expect?" Penelope snorted. "His mind moves a mile a minute. It only makes sense that his body would too. Unlike my Warrior Princess here who is the picture of calm, cool and collected most of the time." JJ laughed but Penelope noticed that Emily was staring at something off in the distance, an odd expression on her face. "What is it, Em?"

She didn't answer. Instead, both JJ and Garcia followed her gaze to the doorway and saw what had caught her attention. Derek…with a date. A petite, pretty blonde one at that. Garcia cringed. "Emily…"

Tearing her eyes away from the scene at the door, Emily looked back at Penelope. "It's fine. He already told me about her. It's not like I expected him to stay single forever."

"Do you still have feelings for him?" JJ asked carefully. "I mean, it's been so long since you two broke up."

Emily cringed inwardly. Yes it had been a while since they had officially broken up. But JJ and Penelope weren't privy to their recent string of indiscretions. The "casual" arrangement that had been going on for almost as long as their original relationship had lasted to begin with. "Yeah it has and no…I'm happy for him. It's just strange. That's all."

"That is not the expression of happiness, my dear," Penelope chuckled nervously, taking a sip of her drink and waving her free hand towards the brunette's face. "That is the expression of someone who desperately wants to be standing over there, not sitting here with us."

"I'm fine, Garcia," Emily lied, tearing her eyes away from the door. The restaurant was crowded and Derek hadn't noticed the three of them sitting in the bar. But this was a favorite haunt of the BAU girls. He had to have known he might run into them here. It was almost as if he had come here just for that reason. Was this his way of telling Emily things were finally over for real this time? "Derek is free to date whomever he wants. We're over." She stole another quick glance at the door, wanting to smack the smile off the little blonde's face.

Penelope regarded Emily for a minute, her finger on her chin. If it were possible for Emily to actually turn green with envy, she just might have. "The two of you _have_ been over for a while, haven't you?"

Caught off guard at the question, Emily spun around to face Garcia. "You were there when my relationship imploded, Penelope. What do you think?"

Not missing a beat, Garcia ignored the snarkiness in her friend's voice. "You kept your relationship secret from us for nearly a year, Em. For all I know the two of you have been doing the horizontal tango for months now without the rest of us knowing." Her eyes grew wide as Emily's face blushed bright red. "You HAVE been doing the horizontal tango for months! Emily?! Why have you been holding out on us?"

"Keep your voice down!" Emily shushed, rolling her eyes. "Can we please not air my dirty laundry out to the entire bar? I mean, seriously, Garcia. I don't tell random strangers about yours and Kevin's sex life."

"You could though…" Garcia retorted. "And I wouldn't care. My man knows how to please me in that department. Everyone should be so lucky. I mean, seriously, he's incredibly talented with his—"

"OKAY!," JJ laughed, cutting in. "I don't think we need to hear the details, sweetie." She turned towards the brunette. "Seriously, Em. When was the last time you and Derek…you know…"

"'You know'?" She mocked. "What are we, fifteen?"

"Abort! Abort!" Garcia whispered loudly, picking up her drink and taking a sip. They had company. "Hey Sexy!"

"Hi ladies," Derek greeted tentatively, his date standing behind him.

"What's up stud muffin?" Garcia greeted, leaning in and giving him a kiss on his cheek. "Who's your friend?"

Derek smiled, seemingly nervous as he introduced his date to his co-workers. "This is Kristin. Kristin, this is Penelope, JJ and Emily." His voice trailed off as he caught the dark eyes of his partner. There was an apology there. He hoped that she saw it.

"HI Kristin! It's nice to meet you! We've heard…well…we haven't heard anything about you actually." Leave it to Penelope to make everyone feel less awkward. Or not.

"It's nice to meet you too," Kristin responded, quietly…almost nervously. She and Derek had only been out a few times but he had told her about the people that he worked with. The men and women that were the closest thing to family that he had in D.C. But clearly he had not told his friends about her.

"Kristin works a couple blocks away from here. We just thought we'd come in and grab a quick bite," Derek clarified. He hadn't mentioned her to Penelope, which he knew was odd. But it was only because Penelope had been almost as heartbroken as he had been when Emily had broken it off. "Didn't realize how crowded it would be already."

"You should join us!" Penelope suggested out of the blue. Derek and Emily's, even JJ's, eyes widened at the suggestion. Not noticing the tension, she began to scoot her chair over towards JJ's. "Come on…we can make room, can't we?"

JJ smiled tentatively, sneaking a glance over at her raven-haired friend. Emily looked like she wanted to kill Garcia. And JJ couldn't blame her. "Sure. We have plenty of room."

"No that's okay," Derek shook his head graciously, wondering what the hell had possessed his crazy friend to make such a suggestion, knowing the source of the tension that was clearly present at the table. "We were just going to grab a drink while we wait for our table. We'll go see if we can grab a seat at the bar."

But the outgoing blonde either wasn't noticing the awkwardness of the situation or was choosing not to care. Most likely the latter. An attempt to force the two of them to wise up and let themselves be happy. "Nonsense. We'll scootch over. You guys sit."

Derek tried to catch Emily's eye. To see if this was okay. Of course it wasn't okay…but could they get through the next few minutes without everyone noticing the tension between the two of them? Probably not. But Emily wouldn't look at him and instead chose to down the remaining beer in her mug. "Sure." He pulled out the last remaining barstool for Kristin, allowing her to sit. "I'll go grab us some drinks. You guys look like you need a refill."

"I'm good." Emily abruptly jumped off of the stool she had been occupying, surprising everyone as she grabbed her purse. "I have to go actually. I'll see you guys on Monday."

"Are you sure?" JJ asked, glancing at Emily with apologetic eyes. She couldn't imagine what was going through Garcia's head, inviting Derek and his date to join them. "I thought we were going to grab a bite to eat after drinks."

"I just remembered something I have to take care of," Emily lied, avoiding eye contact with Derek and his date. It was clearly obvious what she was doing. And she doubted that Kristin hadn't picked up on the tension or the reason she was leaving by this point. But she couldn't bring herself to care.

* * *

The sound of her doorbell and incessant banging on her front door woke her up from the sound sleep she was in. Emily glanced over at the clock, noticing the early morning hour on a Saturday. She groaned as she dragged herself out of bed. _Who is banging on the door so early? _Throwing her robe on and wiping the sleep out of her eyes as she padded downstairs and towards the front door, she glanced out of the peephole only to see the grim face of Derek Morgan on the other side, a tray with two coffees in his hands.

"What are you doing here, Derek?" She sighed, throwing the door open. "Especially so early? I assume you probably had a late night last night. I hope you didn't leave Kristin on my account." It was snarky, she knew. And probably uncalled for. But she didn't care at this point. Derek clearly indicated that they were over. And he obviously wanted her to get the message otherwise he wouldn't have shown up at that bar with a date yesterday.

"Can I come in?" He asked, silently hoping she didn't slam the door in his face. Emily moved aside, allowing him entry. She followed him to the kitchen as he set the tray of coffee down, pulling one out and handing it to her.

"Thanks," she muttered, taking a sip. Exactly how she liked it. She cringed at the thought that he knew her so well. This was why they never should have gotten together in the first place.

"What are you doing here?" she repeated, taking her coffee into the living room and making herself comfortable on the couch, drawing her knees up under her. He followed her, sitting on the chair across from her. The furthest apart they had been in months…at least when they were by themselves. "I just wanted to apologize for last night."

Emily rolled her eyes. "You don't have to do that, Derek. We're not together anymore, remember?"

Derek wanted to shake her, asking why she was so stubborn. If she would just tell him how she really felt…he would end it with Kristin. But he was fed up with being with her and not really being with her. And if they weren't ever going to be together again, then he needed to move on. Get over her. And he liked Kristin. He really did. She wasn't Emily. But she was sweet and funny and caring. She made him laugh. She didn't have any drama. She was good for him.

"Of course I do, Emily," he almost growled. "But you can't tell me that what we've been doing has been completely casual. You can't tell me that my feelings are completely one-sided."

"Does it matter?" She asked, desperately hoping he didn't hear the hitch in her voice; hoping that the threatening tears didn't spill down her cheeks.

"Yes," he whispered. "It matters. Just stop…Stop being so stubborn…Stop pushing me away. Tell me we have a future together. I want to be with you, Em. But I can't keep doing this."

"It's not going to work, Derek." She refused to look at him for fear that he could tell just by looking into her eyes that she was lying to him. "I told you that already. So walk away. Go be with her. You deserve so much better than me anyway."

Derek didn't say anything else. He sat there for a minute, just watching her expression but she refused to look at him. Finally, after what seemed like hours, he stood up and walked silently towards the door, slamming it shut behind them. Effectively slamming the door on the two of them as well.

* * *

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